Monday, September 15, 2008

Fear

Over the last few days I've become gripped with overwhelming, probably irrational, fear. When I first began to suspect I was pregnant and right after I found out, I was knocked out by some pretty bad nausea and the exhaustion was paralyzing. Two weeks later, the nausea is just about gone, except for an occasional wave, and the exhaustion seems to be manageable. All of which makes me terrified that the hormones are decreasing because I'm about to miscarry.

The rational explanation of course is that I'm adjusting to the hormones and nearing the end of my first trimester so everything is leveling out. If I were a little more objective I would realize that the emotional nuttiness is a symptom (seriously, the little girl dancing with the Phillie Phanatic made me cry the other day), as is wanting to fall asleep while driving and the weird cravings for peaches and my mom's chicken soup (not together, that would be gross).


Yet the fear still grips me. I could not fall asleep last night because I was so scared. I'm not having any miscarriage signs. No cramping, no bleeding, no back pain. Nothing. In fact, things seem to be progressing pretty smoothly. I can feel my muscles stretching and if I press on my belly I can feel the hard, grapefruit sized lump that I'm guessing is my uterus. There is no real justification for being this scared. My brain keeps reminding me that my mom had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy, but then she had 7 perfectly healthy kids. None of the other women in my immediate family have ever miscarried, including my own sister. There's no real family history.


I think part of it is how fast everything is happening. I have no time to catch my breath or wrap my mind around how quickly my life is changing. We're going to buy a house and move, I may have to change jobs, I'm going to own a person and be responsible for keeping him or her alive. Everything about my life is going to change in the next few months and the catalyst for all that change is completely beyond my control. This is a lot and I don't have the emotional fortitude to handle it so the freaking out continues.

It's also quite surreal to know that I'm pregnant but not see any real evidence. It's hard to process a tiny (now) human looking person growing inside my own body. Without any outward evidence it's like it's not really happening.

For all of you wanting gory details:

I don't look knocked up. My pants don't fit anymore but it just looks like I've been eating too much pizza and drinking too much beer. I now keep my pants closed with a hair tie looped through the button hole and around the button. My friend gave me a really awesome gift that I tried out yesterday and I have to say, it's a genius invention. I wish I knew about this years ago, for when my pants didn't fit just cause I really did eat too much pizza and drank too much beer.

My boobs are getting bigger, which is truly frightening. I got measured for new bras right before I got pregnant (actually, the week I got pregnant I'm pretty sure) and I was in between two cup sizes. I'm glad I went with the larger size. I have a couple more weeks in those and then I think I'll have to move on up again. I may choke on my own cleavage by the time this is all over.

As for Chicken Dinner:

He's barely the size of a kumquat — a little over an inch or so long, crown to bottom — and weighs less than a quarter of an ounce. This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in his body rapidly grow and mature.He's swallowing fluid and kicking up a storm. Vital organs — including his kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver (now making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac) — are in place and starting to function. Tiny nails are forming on fingers and toes (no more webbing) and peach-fuzz hair is beginning to grow on tender skin. In other developments: baby's limbs can bend now. His hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart, and his feet may be long enough to meet in front of his body. The outline of his spine is clearly visible through translucent skin, and spinal nerves are beginning to stretch out from his spinal cord. Baby's forehead temporarily bulges with his developing brain and sits very high on his head, which measures half the length of his body. From crown to rump, he's about 1 1/4 inches long.

I'll get some belly pictures going soon. Right now there's not much to see.

2 comments:

Lora said...

this doesn't suck at all! in fact, I lol'ed twice. Once at the picture of you choking on your boobs and the other at the fact you call your baby "chicken dinner".

and you think you aren't funny

Rinny said...

Hope you don't mind, Lora handed over your blog site. It will be fine. And just be in touch when you feel like you are losing it. I guarantee you that someone, somewhere already went through it and lived to tell. Congratulations again. Sometimes the unexpected is the best thing ever.