Thursday, January 29, 2009

There's so much going on in my brain right now and most of it can be filed in one of two categories: panic or rage.

Panic because we have just about 3 months left - if the chicken goes all 4o weeks before showing himself - and nothing is done. If you came over to my house there would be no evidence that would suggest a baby was on his way to live there. We are in no way set up at this point for a baby. Also, in less than 90 days there will be a new person on this planet, a person that I will physically put here, and I will be his mother. Can't quite get my mind around that one. He doesn't even have a name yet.

Let's not even talk about the physical part ok? Because the panic people, the panic. I've never been to the hospital for anything other than visiting hours. The emergency room only exists on TV to me, as I've never seen one in person. Do you see what I'm saying here? I have no experience being a patient for more than 15 minutes in a doctor's office. Physical trauma and being in the hospital are not things with which I'm familiar. Yet very, very soon, I'll be admitted to the hospital to give freaking birth and oh the hyperventilation just thinking about it.

The rage is a little more of a puzzle. Generally, I'm not an angry person. Most people (I think) would say that I'm rather easy going and slow to any kind of anger. Not so these days. I'm pretty pissed off most of the time and things that usually would not even register are making me seethe. Maybe it's the testosterone my baby boy is producing. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm lumpy and cranky and so done with this experience can the boy just get here already please God? Being in a state of increasing and bizarre physical discomfort - is that an elbow and how is he kicking me all the way over there? - makes it tough to be cheerful. So far I've managed to keep the anger to myself - hence the seething - since it's not really fair to bite the heads off of those around me just because I'm irrationally enraged all the time. I'm not making any promises about these last few months though.

Panic and craziness aside, two things were purchased from our baby registry this week and I'm so excited it's like I'm a 9 year old in December. It was quite by accident that I found this out. Really, not stalking my own registry I swear. I was trying to show someone the stroller we picked out and lo and behold, some items had moved into the "already purchased category. It's a little weird I know, to be so freaking excited about a pack and play and a receiving blanket but someday I will share with you my anxiety and weirdness suffered at the idea of actually creating a baby registry at all, so to see that it actually works is very thrilling indeed. And probably because it helps with the panicking, to know that things are indeed moving along. While the idea of an actual baby in my house is still a little too abstract for my own mental health, at least the boy will have somewhere to sleep now. Maybe we'll even move the boxes out of his room before he gets here.


Rinny said...

I smile because I am right there with you. There is so much left to do, and the idea that we will be responsible for a little being in less than 6 weeks (if she does to her due date) is mind boggling. Just know you aren't alone, Hope. We are all freaking out a little bit. Oh...and I do stalk our registry....feels good to admit it.

DNA said...

I'm so glad you used the word "seething". On my way into work this morning, I thought to myself, could I just leave the house one day without biting Davids head off?